What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
