Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
