how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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