Can i not drive my cunt home
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
