You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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