Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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