woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
