Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
