every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
