It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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