I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
