you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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