Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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