This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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