one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
