I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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