I'm lost and stupid without you.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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