How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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