i think my tv is drunk
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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