Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize