Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
