Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I look better un-naked...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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