Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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