I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
