ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
