I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
