you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My life is pants optional.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
