Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
