My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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