Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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