apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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