Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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