Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
