the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize