So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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