You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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