have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
