we have pet lesbian snakes
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
