I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
