If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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