I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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