im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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