I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
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