My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
