I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
