Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wanna passion pit in your ass
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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