shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize