Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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