i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
