it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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