apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Randomize
