Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
