I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
