her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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