haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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