Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
