What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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