just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
