my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
