first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
