Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
where does the pee come out of this thing
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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