Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
