thus making me awesome and them whores
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
