So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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